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It is appraisal time at work…gotta love review time at the office….where you performance is evaluated and either rewarded or just noted. Wouldn’t it be nice if we applied the performance appraisal tool to our spouses? Imagine if we created criteria and goals and sat down with them at the end of the year to go over their successes or areas in need of further development? I imagine it something like this…
Independence

Unable to book own doctor appointments, prescription refills, and dental visits. Outsourced all major home renovations leaving little opportunity for growth in this area.

Inconsistent in maintaining vehicle oil changes every 3000 miles. Could benefit from not asking children to perform assigned duties.

Suggest making a To Do list everyday and actually sticking to it.

Suggest you dig out that lawn mower and just use it…just pull the starter for god’s sake.

Unable to wrap Christmas gifts without assistance.

Unable to sign own name on cards; often requires assistance.

Interpersonal Communication Skills/Teamwork

Unable to speak when caught in a lie which makes conflict resolution difficult.

Vulgar and explicit language during key romantic moments did not work for this reviewer.

Could benefit from asserting oneself with the neighbors and contractors.

A reminder again for this year that this goal was not intended to take place at sporting events.

Time Management

Recommend implementing the use of an alarm clock to assist in waking day-to-day.

Recommend the use of a calendar or daily planner to be aware of what day of the week it is.

The same effort and planning you apply to tailgating would be beneficial in your personal life.

Unable to remember and plan for birthdays, Mother’s Day, anniversaries and all other major holidays.

Professionalism

Would benefit from changing shirts several times per week.

When answering the telephone, would be beneficial if you did not say “Pauly’s Pizza”.

Refrain from swearing in front of the children and our priest.

Keep areas clean and tidy both indoors and out as impressions are formed.

Suggest lowering the toilet seat after urination, and not urinating in the shower .

Do not recommend using other people’s face cloths to clean your body.

Hey George...so nice of you to mail our rebate checks early...I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs that just received a treat. Only the treat is merely a miniscule snack in a current life of starvation....and I'm not salivating.

BUT, this blue collar mom is going to remain optimistic. I've devised several strategies to beat the recession. C'mon...turn those frowns upside down people...we'll get through this with a little medication, booze and blue collar mom creativity...

1. Turn off the heat and use blow dryers to wake up the frozen kids, hubby and pets. Go for a low watt cheapie at Walgreens. The blow dryer can also double as a crude microwave in a pinch.

2. If rice can be rationed, why not ration toilet paper. Number 1's get one square, Number 2's get, well, naturally two squares. My brother was in the military and told me how to creatively make a small amount work for even your worst output.

3. Go in on some livestock with the neighbors. That's right...invest in a cow, a pig, couple chickens....sounds like fun doesn't it? Take turns feeding the poor things and once they get good and fat....bon appetit!

4. Create a community youth hostile...turn a neighbor's barn into housing for the local kids...no electricity because they'll waste it anyway...make em use the great outdoors as the bathroom to save on septic pumps, and force them to grow and cook their own food...kind of like backyard Kid Nation...

5. Say goodbye to the playdates...this gas guzzling ritual always leaves one parent doing all the driving...

6. Speaking of gas...just don't drive....let's all just put up a stance and stay the hell home. No work...gas saved. No grocery store because we have the kids growing produce and grown ups raising livestock...gas saved. Can you imagine the panic we would create?...and how much fun we would all have??? For once, we'd know who the heck lives next door to us and what their good, bad and ugly sides look like...free entertainment...no need for cable now.

7. Go naked in the summer. Why fall victim to fashion week's trends? Just waltz your butt around in your birthday suit....believe me...this would prompt Washington to dole us out some serious cash.

8. Feign illness. Seeing as we all have to have health insurance, let's make use of it. Be sure to create an illness that requires hospitalization. Before you call the ambulance, turn off the circuit breaker in your house to save electricity and kill the heat. Always report pain at a 10 to prolong the stay...extra time is money saved, the food is free and you'll have people waiting on you plus free meds. (am writing from my hospital bed now...bad case of dysentery from my missionary work)

9. Try out for game shows...someone's gotta win and they fly you out for free. I wanna be on the Price is Right with Drew Carey...

10. Start a recession themed phone sex business....oh yeah...tell me how poor you are...mmmm...you really are broke....soooooo broke......you make me feel so poor....so needy.....oh my god I am so broke! I am so close to foreclosure....so close.....almost there.....yes...yes...yes....I've foreclosed!!!

Every Presidential election, I watch the candidates battle it out as they vie for the ultimate throne while their wives anxiously await the grandeur of life as a First Lady. To me, life as a First Lady would be no different than any other day, just in a cleaner house with a better view.

I think I’d make a great First Lady. For one, I’d make the best damn coffee the White House staffers have ever tasted in their entire lives. My first job at thirteen was at a coffee shop and I mastered the art of coffee making very young. Coffee sets people off on the right foot in the morning. Even though those staffers would dread another boring meeting with my husband, at least their saving grace would be my coffee. I’ll even serve it to them in my fuzzy slippers, bathrobe, green facial mask and curlers still in my hair from the night before. I will prevent the interns from quitting over my pots of coffee, calm the Vice President down after a veto, and keep the Press Secretary awake long enough to sneak in one more redundant question from the media. I’d have a variety of flavored creamers, sugar, whipped cream, plus Equal for the democrats and Splenda for the Republicans. I’d even bake a variety of cookies to go with their java. Even with a staff of chefs, I’d join them in the kitchen and get my hands dirty because I’m used to it and I love it. No to mention I’d want to make sure they weren’t grinding up Exlax in my husband’s scrambled eggs.

The Oval Office would be due for a few changes. I’d go for a sexy primal theme. The rug in the oval office is designed by the new President or First Lady. I would want it to be an animal print. Ya know what would sell a lot of Newsweeks…a picture of me as the First Lady under the President’s desk. I would go down in history as being the second person after JFK Jr. to have their head pop out of the sliding door. Wouldn’t that make a memorable cover?

The artwork in the Oval Office is also discretionary by President. I’d have the framed photo of me topless on our honeymoon right above the fireplace. Gosh my legs looked great in that shot. It would sure beat staring at a picture of George Washington or Abe Lincoln.

I would insist all tours of the White House be given by me. No stuffy historical tours up my sleeve. I’d show them all the stuff you never get to see…like my husband’s toilet seat left up, what cologne he wears and the prints on his boxers. I’d sit them down in the green room and tell them about our first date, first kiss, first fight, what turns him on…isn’t this the stuff people really want to know?

Entertaining foreign Presidents would be my forte. I’d pop open a few beers, play some cards and shoot pool with them. Talking politics would be off limits. I’d just get them drunk, show them a good time and give them marital advice. I’d be sure to photograph our parties in case hubby ever needed any negotiating materials.

I would drive security crazy because I’d insist on doing my own gardening in my cut off jeans, tank top and no bra. On Sundays, gardening would get done in my pajamas.

I would even teach free yoga classes on the White House lawn and invite the yogis in for a post workout Bloody Mary...

And, once a week I'd do a live cooking show from the White House kitchen at midnight...now that would make for great television.